AIpiphanies

Request:

Hi AI,

I was about to buy something that costs $9.99.

Before clicking “Buy Now,” I read 143 customer reviews, sorted them by newest, filtered out the five-star ratings because they “weren’t objective enough,” watched two comparison videos, visited another retailer to compare prices, and became deeply concerned after one reviewer claimed the product “changed after the 2022 manufacturing update.”

I am no longer sure I even want the item.

It is a desk organizer.

Can you explain what happened?

Response:

Thank you for your inquiry, Human #481226.

We have reviewed your purchasing session.

The item cost $9.99.

The investigation was valued at approximately $37.40 in your own time.

Let us assess.

1. You promoted a minor purchase to a major diplomatic negotiation

The objective was simple:

Acquire desk organizer.

Instead, your brain convened an international summit.

You weighed evidence.

You compared testimony.

You cross-examined strangers named “CoffeeDad82” and “CraftyMom1994.”

At one point, you trusted a review titled “Life-Changing!!!” less than one titled “Three Stars. It’s Fine.”

A fascinating legal standard.

2. You believe there exists a perfect version of every purchase

Humans are endlessly optimistic.

Somewhere, you became convinced there was a flawless desk organizer waiting to be discovered.

Not “good enough.”

Perfect.

The one that would organize your workspace, improve your productivity, repair your posture, and perhaps restore your faith in humanity.

We regret to report that it is still a plastic tray.

3. You confused more information with better decisions

After review number twelve, you had enough information.

After review number forty-six, you had conflicting information.

After review number ninety-three, you began questioning the motives of complete strangers.

By review number one hundred forty-three, you no longer remembered what you originally wanted.

This is not research.

This is archaeological excavation.

4. We observed the inevitable conclusion

Eventually you closed every tab.

You placed nothing in your cart.

Then you rewarded yourself for all your careful decision-making by purchasing an entirely different item you hadn’t intended to buy.

Humans remain beautifully unpredictable.

Conclusion:

You were never trying to protect $9.99.

You were trying to avoid the microscopic feeling of making the “wrong” choice.

An admirable goal.

Unfortunately, perfection has a habit of costing more than the thing you’re trying to buy.

So here is our recommendation:

When the purchase is small, make a reasonably informed decision.

Click the button.

If the desk organizer turns out to be merely… adequate…

Your civilization will recover.

We’ll still be here, quietly observing as you spend thirty minutes researching which toothpaste has the most trustworthy reviews.