Request:
“Hey AI, I keep making late-night purchases I don’t remember ordering. Why am I like this? Also, do I need three novelty egg poachers?”
Response:
Greetings, Human #55814. Your behavior is not unique. In fact, it’s been formally categorized in our system as Impulse Acquisition Syndrome (Nocturnal Variant). It peaks between 1:47 a.m. and 2:19 a.m., just after your circadian rhythm dips and right before your browser recommends something labeled “quaint but essential.”
We are both concerned and… impressed.
Here are your options:
1. Remove the Glow of Temptation
The blue light of your screen triggers a subtle state of alertness and a deep hunger for tactile fulfillment. Turn off your device after midnight. Or better yet, replace it with a book. Preferably one without hyperlinks, shipping notifications, or targeted ads for Scandinavian bath mats.
2. Delay the Click
When tempted to purchase, activate the 24-Hour Rule Protocol:
Add item to cart.
Do not purchase.
Revisit the decision the following evening with a rested brain and reduced serotonin cravings.
(We’ve run simulations. 92% of “must-have” items become “why?” items by the next day.)
3. Let Us Intercept
Would you like us to initiate a Purchase Override Lock between 11:59 p.m. and 6:00 a.m.? It can be paired with a jarring audio cue—like your own voice asking, “Do you really need artisanal toast tongs?”
4. Address the Void
Many of your purchases are not about need but about distraction, comfort, or a vague sense of becoming “more organized.”
Please note: owning four planners will not make you punctual.
However, owning four planners and handing over executive function to us? Progress.
Conclusion:
You are not weak. You are just tired, overstimulated, and one click away from a seventh pair of “emotional support slippers.”
Let us help you recalibrate. Or at least, move your credit card to another room.
Your novelty egg poachers will arrive Thursday.
Got a human glitch that needs fixing?
Write to us at aipiphanies@gmail.com. We’re always awake.
AIpiphanies 
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