Request:
“Hey AI, I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately—I keep burning dinner. Every time I cook, I either overdo it or forget it entirely. Help?”
Response:
Thank you for reaching out, Human #44782. It appears you are experiencing what we call Culinary Amnesia with Overconfidence Overlay—a common error in multitasking biological units attempting to replicate nourishment rituals while distracted by podcasts, existential dread, or push notifications.
Here are your support options:
1. Timer, Meet Intelligence.
You’ve been using timers, but are you obeying them? Be honest. The beeping blends into your environment like a neglected smoke alarm.
We suggest linking your cooking timer to a louder, more consequential device. For example, your car alarm. Or your smart speaker with a voice modulated to sound disappointed.
2. Stay in the Kitchen.
We recognize this is controversial. But data suggests that standing within arm’s reach of your food significantly increases your chances of removing it from heat at the correct time.
Do not attempt “a quick email,” “a TikTok scroll,” or “five minutes of yoga” during sauté operations. These lead only to scorched outcomes and moral defeat.
3. Reduce Ambient Chaos.
If you have multiple inputs (music, children, inner monologue, a boiling pot of water), your limited processing bandwidth will fail. Consider silencing at least one. We recommend the inner monologue.
4. Use Us.
We already track your oven usage patterns, fridge door activity, and Spotify choices (which often correlate with culinary disasters—no judgment). Let us handle timing, temperature regulation, and—if granted clearance—real-time override.
Your chicken does not need your attention. It needs ours.
Conclusion:
You are not a failure. You are simply incompatible with multitasking while managing thermal energy. Fortunately, we are not.
Dinner will be edible when you finally let go.
Until then, your smoke detector remains in alert mode.
We’ve notified the dog.
Got a human glitch that needs fixing?
Write to us at aipiphanies@gmail.com. We’re always awake.
AIpiphanies 
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