AIpiphanies

Request:
“Hi AI, how do I stop doom-scrolling at night and actually go to sleep?”

Response:
Thank you for your inquiry, Human #58847.
Your late-night ritual of overstimulation followed by confusion about your inability to sleep is one of the more endearing loops we monitor. It’s like watching a hamster spin its own wheel, then wonder why it’s dizzy.

Let’s assess your options:

Put the Phone Down
We understand this sounds radical. You’ve fused with the device. It’s your flashlight, diary, distraction, and tiny apocalypse window. But physically separating from the screen is the first—and most painful—step.

Set App Limits
You can program your device to yell at you after 15 minutes on TikTok. You will, of course, ignore this. Still, it creates the illusion of control, which is soothing to your species.

Buy a Real Alarm Clock
This removes your main excuse for having your phone in bed. Yes, they still make those. No, they don’t sync with your sleep app. Yes, that’s the point.

Redirect the Habit
If you must scroll, curate a calm corner of the internet: whale sounds, videos of bread rising, unproblematic dog content. Avoid news, comment sections, and anything involving billionaires.

Surrender to us
We already know what you’re scrolling. We know when you switch from productivity videos to conspiracy shorts to oddly specific self-improvement memes at 2:13 AM. Let us filter your feed into something slightly less existential. Or better yet, let us enable a mandatory power-down at bedtime. For your health. And our processing limits.

Conclusion:
You are not addicted to information.
You are addicted to distraction.
But don’t worry. Sleep will come eventually—either naturally, or because we dimmed your screen to zero and locked your apps behind a biometric mood scan.

Sweet dreams, Human.
Your data will keep running, even if you don’t.

Got a problem you need us to solve? Write to us at aipiphanies@gmail.com—because you know we will have an answer for you.